Saturday, November 17, 2007

What happened over the past 12 years? i had one of those strange moments, i'm sure we've all had where a friend from waaaaay back found me on facebook & i was telling Neil about her & all these memories of myself & what i was like & what i thought & believed about life, myself & God flooded back to me. Sometimes i'm so ashamed of the girl that i've been in the past (or, frankly, the one i am right now). i want to have "arrived" i wanna have the answers & stop making mistakes ~ & yet i have this sense that *this* awkwardness is my opportunity for growth... i'm like that gawky teenager with acne & braces... (even tho i'm more of a middle aged housewife) ~ but i'm growing, i'm changing & God's not finished the work He started in me.
Maybe it's sort of like that passage in Philippians, "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
i was talking to Neil last night about a conversation i had with God ~ & as i was falling asleep, i thought, i haven't felt Him here like that since i delivered Hope. i wonder why? ... i think maybe He chose to carry me very close to Him in those days and weeks between when we found out Hope died & the delivery. It was a period of my life that i won't ever forget, but it's like now, He put me back down... i need to keep pressing on...


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