Tuesday, December 7, 2010

secrets from the heart of an introvert...

i think part of the reason that i'm an introvert is that i beat myself up over the things i did or did not say when i have been out and about...
Once in explaining to Neil some dumb thing i had said, i sighed and commented, "sometimes it's just easier to stay home than to go out and cause misunderstandings..."
& yet -
i feel that tug on my heart - that certainty - that people are important...
and that i need to keep trying - to work on my gracelessness, my awkwardness, my bumbling spoken words... because relationships are where it's at.
i struggle with knowing when to lay myself bare - & when to keep my mouth shut.
i struggle with wanting to be known - & the fear i have in the pit of my stomach that no one wants to know me...

i feel my Father cracking a smile at me - in my panicked fragility.

He created me to be so - he chose me to be His....
So, let my broken words be used by Him...
Let my embarrassing outbursts, or pained silences - bring Him glory...
Let my willingness to build relationships outweigh my inability to create them...
and let the tiny light shed by this introvert serve to bring others closer to Him...

7 comments:

Lola said...

Oh I was cursing my extrovert-ness this week :) Only knowing you via blog, it's hard to imagine you ever being awkward. The internet is strange like though. It's probably hard for people who only know me by my blog to imagine me ever shutting up. :)

deborah said...

oh Paige, I so know what you mean. Sometimes I'd rather just shut myself up in the house than risk saying something that comes out stupid, inappropriate or even heartless. *sigh*
:)

paige said...

There is comfort in knowing i'm not alone...
Lola - hehe - part of my introvertedness is incessant chatter :) ha.

Mindy said...

Paige...you expressed so much the way I feel. "....when to lay myself bare - & when to keep my mouth shut." Exactly! I have a feeling that if we ever met each other this side of heaven, we'd be awfully quiet. ;)

Lori-Dawn said...

I love this post. AND you! I think you share the same fears as a lot of women. I just don't care anymore, I don't fear rejection, I tend to expect it (which isn't always good...lol). I don't seek friendship anymore as it seems to take so much energy only to fizzle...I guess some of us just aren't meant to have a bosom friend, like Anne Shirley.
Although having said that, I've been enjoying my own family a lot more and have been pouring myself into them and not so much into making friends...or keeping them for that matter...and I feel blessed despite the loneliness.
You are a blessing Paige, anyone who knows you is blessed in my opinion!
All this to say, I admire your love for people! To put aside your own selfish feelings and push through your insecurities to get to know others.

fawne said...

i think you're a wonderful hostess and friend. i love every visit i have with you and i've always thought you have a lovely way with words. i think you make people feel comfortable. i like that about you.

Lori-Dawn said...

Amen to what Fawne said!!!

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